i realised that the one thing that i had to go to make room for my newfound happiness is music. which i am beginning to need less and less. i suppose part of the reason is that i have grown accustomed to having speakers for my laptop, and now do not feel like using earphones. but honestly, it's as if i just don't feel like listening to anything right now.
but ironically i am listening to music as i type this. but for some reason it doesn't really speak to me anymore, but is probably just a distraction from the actual writing i am doing. this does affirm one thing that i recently realised is probably true: that we are all looking for that one thing that will complete our picture of reality one way or another.
listening to music was such a huge part of me just coping. people have all sorts of things, like religion, money, alcohol...... and i had music. and i loved it. but now that i have something else, something that happens to fit that gap better. which obviously leads to the almost irrational fear that something better might come along.
oh well now. stop sabotaging this mentally. i am having such a wonderful time now, and i can see myself being happy for so much longer. i should really start accepting that this is it. that this might be as good as it gets. and it is pretty damn amazing.
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