like the words of a man who spent a little too much time alone

part 2, of my randomness.

14) i have no idea how to accept compliments, not at all. i have really poor self-esteem, and it's difficult for me to ever accept that people really think i'm good at anything.

15) related to the above, my biggest problem is my inability to stop second-guessing other people. it has cost me innumerable friendships, and makes me generally a terrible person to the people i'm close to.

16) i'm very afraid of being lonely, not because i really need the presence of others, but that being lonely simply affirms my belief that i am an unpleasant person. it's related with vague desire for companionship in the future, because while i don't feel like i lack it severely now, i really want the option of not being alone later on.

17) in spite of what i might say, i'm pretty content with where i am in my life. i understand there is little reason not to be, despite all the things i'm discontent with.

18) i have a love/hate relationship with driving. i dislike the practical aspects of driving, all the route finding and parking. the convenience never really seems to live up to the frustrations. i do really like the feeling of behind the wheel though, just because of the control it gives me. i also like how it makes me feel more grown up.

19) that said, i also have a love/hate relationship with flying. i actually love the lack of control when i fly, much like how i love riding the bus. there is something really relaxing about not having any say about your life for 10 hours. the dehydrating effect of the cabin air really gets to me though.

20) my least favorite question might be "what is the happiest moment of your life". i really hope it hasn't happened yet. even when the words "thus far" is added to the end, i find it so difficult to contemplate what i've been happy about. i have this odd theory that happy memories don't exist, because no matter how happy you were, it's in the past, and you can't really take too much pleasure out of that.

21) i shall now disregard all of that, and say that my happiest moments are when i am with someone i care very much about. they are the fleeting moments when i know i've done something nice, and i'm walking just slightly behind that person, and i can kind of see from his/her body language that he/she is content, and hence i am too.

22) i used to think that pizza was a luxury. i just felt like it was something worth saying, since it's probably one of the cheapest foods i can think of eating now.


23) i don't get many common sayings. the one i dislike least is "those who live in glass houses shouldn't try stones." who the fuck would live in a glass house? and why would they throw stones anyway? there is one i really like though: "having your cake and eating it too". the image is terrific.

24) i'm not proud of it, but i've seriously considered suicide twice. both times, i started making up lists of things that i wanted people to do on my behalf afterwards and writing notes to people who i felt deserved to know why. both times, i couldn't figure out how i would do it, and eventually gave up.

25) music played a part on both occasions (see above). i remember walking to school and listening to wilco, this being quite a few years ago, and suddenly i felt light. i full subscribe to the idea of carthasis, mainly because i know that without it, i probably won't be here today.