so the birthday and thanksgiving have both come and gone, leaving 2 more days of the weekend. so far this has been a more depressing week than i'm currently used to. maybe i'm just seriously lacking endorphins. or maybe i'm just lacking the will to make myself not see things in terrible ways. whatever the case, i want this little dip to be over.
because when i'm unhappy i start thinking really silly things. stupid regrets really, indulging in what ifs. if i am going to be totally honest, i keep seeing the first few weeks of my second year here as the point where the road diverged. i could have remained more of the person i used to be, instead of being the mess i now am. but i chose to do what i wasn't used to, and i was made to pay the cost.
the thing is, life doesn't have a huge marker that pops up whenever you make a life-changing decision. and oftentimes, these decisions blend in neatly among other innocuous choices. how is anyone ever supposed to know? perhaps life is inherently chaotic then, since it's so much easier to make the decision to send your life spinning out of control than to keep avoiding the traps along the way.
the past couple of days have been a bit too empty. and since i really couldn't think of that much to be thankful for, all i could do was indulge in the other tradition of the holiday: eating too much. ah well.
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