a rehash: so much of the past year feels like a waste, because i wasted it justifying what i feel. there is absolutely no justification for so many things. i can only regret what i did, not what i felt. what we feel has no right or wrong, it simply exists. when we do apologize for feeling a certain way, it's because those feelings inspired us to do things we should not have done. so i made some mistakes in my actions, and i can't apologize enough. but since what i felt were genuine, i can't take them back. i wonder why i felt that i could or should have.
in a separate note: i feel somewhat strange, knowing that a lot of people who read this are not in contact with me. recently, i've gotten some visits that purport to be from the mayo foundation in minnesota. if that's you, could you perhaps identify yourself? i'm actually quite interested to know who that might be. and then there are the others who have decided that this will be a one way street. does it satisfy you to know these things about me? i must seem like a tremendously unhappy person, because i only seem to write when i can't bring myself to do anything else. is this impression of me the one you choose?
it's snowing so very dramatically now. it scares me tremendously, because the snow always makes me feel more alone than i really am. i think, at the end of the day, throughout all of this unhappiness, all i wanted was to find someone who will watch the snow with me. then we can both say it's beautiful, and i'll believe it. perhaps that person is still out there, but i don't have that many snow days left.
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