you can't claim to know me now, cos the things i said a country ago, they don't count

there is a lot of difficulty in reconciling what is true, what we perceive and what we want to perceive. the truth is that i'm unimportant. what i perceive is that i'm disliked. what i want to perceive is that it was all by my choice. there is that pervading feeling, that if i disappeared tomorrow, no one would notice for weeks. that happens not because of malice, but simply because no one would think about looking. and as i lay dying in a ditch someone, all i should be thinking is: "well, how about that?"

saturday mornings are quite depressing, because for i-don't-even-know-how-many weeks in a row, i don't have anyone to do anything with. am i not trying? i don't think so. it's just that whenever i ask, i get refused. that's what happens when you get used to spending time with some people, and for whatever reason, these people are no long in your set of options. and now you have to try and find friends elsewhere, but no one wants to feel obliged. so my invitations are rejected, or accepted tentatively, only to be overturned later on when they get better offers.

the validity of the above is disputable, but what i feel about it isn't. the choice is therefore whether i decide to dispute it, or disregard it, or simply give up. the truth is, despite all the rationaling, the world has already decided that i'm unimportant, or worse, that i'm not to be tolerated. the few people who i ever felt close to here are gone or moved on to better, more deserving people. in the latter case, the fault, as it has to be, is my own.

there is something clearly very depressing about this post, but i don't feel particularly upset. it's a feeling of utter numbness that comes from the sense that you've been here before. it's been like this for a while now, but at least come next june, it'll all be over. it's an odd feeling, wanting something to end while dreading it. somehow, circumstances have decided that my life here has been too good, and it's time to pay.

i also realize this somewhat contradicts what i've been saying, all the stuff about how i can choose not to care. well that's really it. i am choosing to care. at least this morning i am. perhaps soon, i can change my mind again.