sometimes i feel like i have absolutely no control over my life, as if i'm merely an observer in the guise of a participant. you see yourself heading towards a train wreck, and despite realizing what's going on, there's nothing you can or wish to do about it. a sheer inability to overcome the rules of the game, or merely my instincts.
you've got to wonder, after watching the story end in the same painful way time after time, whether or not your head has it in for you, and just wants you to keep suffering. it hurts a lot, just knowing that you are simply stuck in a pattern that you can't seem to get out of, even if you tried. just when i thought the year was looking up, i'm again reminded about how determined 2008 is to utterly destroy me as a person.
why persist in a way which only makes it impossible for me to be happy? perhaps because like everyone else, i realize how transient these few years of my life ultimately are. i am not real to most of the people i've met here, and neither are they to me. when i do pack up my things and get on that plane home in june 2009, after all this is done, all that is left to remind me that i ever was here will be a diploma and a bunch of scars. and as time fades, and all becomes abstract, these will just be remembered as my college years, something that i might perhaps look back fondly on, or try to forget. all i can say is, i hope my real life is better than this.
on the way home tonight, i put in all my effort to stop myself from shivering. perhaps it was the cold, but i also felt incredibly weak. the only reason i managed to get off that van, and back here in front of my computer is just how calloused my heart has become. there has been so much pain this year, so much disappointment and uncertainty, that what i felt was par for the course.
i don't really need sympathy. what i really need is quantum immortality to be true. in that way, i can off myself and move into a universe which might be slightly more palatable. unfortunately, the math hasn't caught up with the physics, and this reality is all that i have. i'm not crazy, just really really tired.
the only happy thought: by the time i wake up tomorrow, man utd could be well on their way to their second premier league title in 2 years.
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