and it's best if all keep this quiet instead

so tired of watching monty python clips off youtube (this after watching "holy grail" for the 2nd time in a month), i decided to write a little, the 200th entry of this blog apparently and the first post of 2007, which is the 3rd year of this blog's existence. someday i will look back on this and just realise how much things have changed these few years (something which i already largely recognise) , but how much i have stayed pretty much the same.

i can feel a somewhat lengthy post coming along, so bear with me. i often write as the last thing to do before going to bed, because fatigue tends to break up my stream of consciousness quite nicely. but seeing as i had woken up at noon today, and it's just past midnight, that's going to come a little later than usual.

firstly, i'm beginning to think that a person can in fact get less cynical as life progresses. i suppose when life throws you a bunch of good things, you're going to have to start admitting that things aren't all bad and stuff will turn out fine. i suppose i had always seen life as a bit of a zero sum game, that the only way to get ahead is to fuck someone over and that explains all the crap that we do to each other. that, i'm discovering, is a severely flawed perspective. the development of mankind as a whole obviously proves this belief wrong. long story short and much more comprehensible, i'm beginning to feel as if things can often turn out okay for everyone.

that said, i still feel somewhat uncomfortable about wanting things that i want. i suppose i've been so used to not getting what i want that now that i can get most of what i want, i really don't know how to respond. do i ask for more, or should i be content? should i count my blessings, or push my luck? it's really an odd dilemma sometimes, but not an altogether unenviable position i suppose. which makes it just that much harder, to feel as if i'm just being a greedy bastard.

and i have been thinking quite a bit about lost opportunities as well, like i am prone to doing. it's actually quite unproductive to keep regretting the what-ifs of life, but in the quieter times, it seems as if that is all i can think of. at the end of this winter break, there are so many things i feel as if i should have done, but have instead let the time go to waste. so much of life comes down to timing, and to a degree we all lose control over the kind of chances we can take. and as much as i like what i have, i really need to learn not to get so hung up on the other things i can see myself having.

and after writing that much, i went off and read a whole bunch of nonsense on wikipedia, so now i'm yet again too tired to keep writing. the playlist i had on to write this also ended a few minutes ago. so i suppose i shall spare all of you the angsty bullshit, and just say this: Happy New Year.