pine for a time when your mind is made up

don't you wish people were much more honest? because i do. honesty is lost on people. as much as my heart hates it, i know that honesty is much better for me than even nice white lies, because there's only so much a white lie can take before it turns gray and then black, and when that happens, no one's the better off for it.

so yes, fucking tell me. because if you don't and yet you leave me a convenient way of finding out, then that's pretty ridiculous. i guess it wasn't even such a bad thing to say, so why not just say it? it sucks to have to find out, and think myself sneaky for doing something like that when it's obviously not my fault. so thanks, but no thanks. i've had it.

so with all the smiling and the waving, and in the end this is what i find out. so what? how much of it was real and how much was just a lie? that's what i mean about white lies, because they undermine trust by pretending to be something it isn't. you can't build any kind of relationship on lies, no matter how nice they are, especially when it's about something important.

so no one in the world understood what that was about, but i suppose it's for the better. there is no reason to make anyone else unhappy. it hurts the most when what you thought was true become false. seems as if that happens much too much, which makes me so very scared.

i had posted this already, when i read a bunch of other things that made me think. about nothing in general, which tends to be horrible for me.

so i shall address stuff:

nothing has changed, i don't miss home, i miss people. and all i want now is to have my friends about me. because when you are feeling lonely, you are prone to realising how few people you can count on while it seems like the rest of the world is having a huge party without inviting you and having a laugh at your expense. so the feeling of being powerless is so very strong and that makes you want to just curl up in a ball and wish for the world to fall far far away from you.

i want to know more, but knowing more never really helps anything. so what is it that we all want with ourselves i have no idea. maybe we should all drink ourselves silly and shoot each other because that might well be the only sane thing to do. the previous 3 sentences made no sense whatsoever, but then life doesn't make sense so i suppose when you think about it, stuff like this comes out.

it would be much better if i was less lucid. i want to move faster and get somewhere, but i feel like i'll never be able to. everywhere you are you feel inadequate, only because everyone else seems so happy and sure of themselves. it's not an issue of being confident, but being more confident than everyone else. is there nothing that isn't relative and isn't a competition?

so what's sure. nothing. because the only way to know is to know, to really really find out. which oftentimes is impossible. what are we left with? an empty feeling that something's wrong. by we i meant me. so i am now in a weird miserable mood.

no one knows me, but pretends they do. or scratch that. i know no one, but pretend i do. one of the two. or both. or everything.

but i know you're there. so don't worry. i'll get over it soon.