i want to go kill myself, but i have too much homework to do. i have no idea how much that is actually said in jest, and how much i really actually meant it. which might explain why i am not doing my homework now, because if i finish it, then i would have no excuse not to just jump off this building into the lake.
(note: i'm not actually near enough to jump into the lake from my dorm)
so this is what it feels. to sink so deep that you feel as if even after you crawled out you would be changed. well, i might be exaggerating, but i haven't really been hurt so bad for so long. perhaps ever. if nothing i will be honest. for the first time in sooooo long, i cried. i couldn't help myself. maybe i AM just weak. i don't know anymore.
i am speaking in vague terms, because what i speak of could be gone in less than 10 days. and yes, i know YOU can read this. or maybe you're not reading it, because you really want to cut me off entirely. i'll know obviously, but then i can't tell you. so how weird is this? is this what you want?
so yeah, i don't bruise well. it's 1.30am and i can't sleep, cos all i can think about is how much it will continue to hurt when i close my eyes. and oddly enough i don't want this night to ever end. i've written so much in so many different forms tonight, which is sad, but at the same time, all i will ever be able to do. words. how they elude me when all i want to do is talk to myself and say everything is going to be alright.
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