and speak of me in the present tense

as usual, i should be writing something else. but here it is:

a random range of things, starting first with this. i used to enjoy photography, i really did. but somehow, along the way, that desire to become good at it faded away. now, it's barely a memory. strangely, i've come to rely more on words than images when emotions are involved. but to offer just a few thoughts about why photography became uninteresting: 1) there's too much money involved. it's such an expensive hobby, and to be good, you have to own the right equipment; 2) there is something very artificial about the end product, especially in the present days of digital imagery and photoshop. i've always believed photography to be about capturing a moment of beauty, but it's so easy to make one that what is actually visible becomes almost an after thought. 3) it's very exhibitionistic. i don't derive quite nearly as much pleasure from view my old pictures as i do my old writing. it just feels like something that you have to do for others, and not for yourself.

second random thing: i find terms of endearment really creepy. when you call someone 'dear' or 'darling' or the likes. there is nothing particularly endearing about it when you are doing so as a substitute for calling that person's name. my dad calls my mom 'dear' all the time, which is probably the only english word he consistently uses. i might be thinking too much, but somehow i feel that it effaces my mom's identity. which is not to say that there is something malicious behind it, but somehow, when you are someone's 'dear', you become less of a person. this might just be paranoia of course.

last random thing: there are days where i can't seem to handle people. then there are days where i can't seem to handle certain people. then there are certain people who i make the special effort to handle despite the difficulty, but sometime fail to. today was one of those times. that was cryptic, but to approach this from a different angle: i often get the feeling when i'm talking to my friends that i don't understand why i should have ever befriended that person. it's like every once in a while, i lose the ability to connect the person i'm actually interacting with with the mental image i have of that person. perhaps i have a very mild case of prosopagnosia, which would also explain why i find it very difficult to recognize people.