did you find some happiness with me?

to start with an aside: the post title comes from a foo fighters b-side called 'dear lover' which i didn't know existed till today. need to start paying more attention to b-sides. it's a marvelous song. it sounds like a counterpart to 'next year', or its a-side friend 'walking after you'. might have immediately elevated itself to one of my favorite songs by the band. i'm also really happy about how easy it is to buy a single song off amazon.com.

now for something less happy. i've had a terrible week. firstly, i was ill on wednesday, and am still somewhat under the weather. rather, i'm under tuesday's terrible weather. meanwhile, time is ticking away on the thesis, though i'm relatively confident of completing it, since now all that is left is mainly just filling up the results, which are pretty mechanical.

so why a terrible week? my mood's been shot to bits. i might not be bipolar, but i have mood swings with the best of them, so i'm quite spectacularly unhappy now. that is not to say i'm letting that be an excuse to be unpleasant. i think that's the main achievement of the past 2 years: letting my personality win out over my moods. it really used to be a forgone conclusion which will win, but these days, the former is starting to hold its own. of course, this all assumes i have a personality, but that's an altogether different story.

what i do REALLY mean to talk about is this: i really need to stop feeling things for other people. feeling things for other people leads to caring about what other people think or feel about me, which is very counterproductive. i understand the alternative involves being extreme self-righteous and callous towards others, but i already possess both in spades. the benefit though is that i get to stop paying the psychic price of doing something that other people dislike, which i still do now, believe it or not.

it's easy not to care about certain people. there are some people you can sort of tell yourself that you are better than, without having to deceive yourself. but then there are people who you are convinced are better than you. those people you really have to watch out for. these are the people you are inclined to believe despite the fact that they are not worthy of that, or that you simply have no need for their opinion. these are the people whose excuses you would take, despite the inconsideration of their actions and frustration they cause.

i keep falling in the trap of these people. i really do. i need to recognize it more and more.