the sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like a flower

so it's been a while since i've blogged. i realize i had been blogging quite furiously for the first couple of months this year. to be honest these past 2 months might have been 2 of the most trying months of my life. but it seems, like so many other points in time, like life has bottomed out and has only room to go up. so to take stock:

classes are still quite a mess. absolutely clueless about what i'm going to do about the geography class i'm taking. research is going slowly for the paper i'm supposed to be writing and there's still the final exam to worry about. and then after that, there's still 2 more papers. but strangely, i'm okay with everything. of all the things going on in my life, classes seem to be the least troubling, simply because it's something quite easily manageable.

the production is done. it turned out okay, but the dust has yet to totally settle, so that evaluation might change. it's so hard to figure out exactly what i will be taking away from this experience. there's something very empty about the whole thing. at the end of the day, everything gets packed up or discarded, and it's almost as if nothing ever happened. there's something almost strangely beautiful about that.

i told a few people what it is about such things i enjoy: there's a moment in every show where everyone is as ready as they will ever be. everything is set up to the best extent that it could. the hall is empty, waiting for the audience to step in. there's just something perfectly electric about that moment, when the anticipation of so many people fill a space and just pervades the very air. you step through the hall and just soak it up. i think to some degree, that was all i needed to feel.

one last point: i'm beginning to realize why the phrase "moving on" is as it is. there is a connotation that you are heading towards something and away from something else. the thing is, you really have to have something to move towards in the first place. life really doesn't make things easy for us.