in the momentary lull before the band begins to play

i can't help but think that winter quarter was a somewhat self-contained nightmare that i am now coping with. if life can be seen as episodic, then clearly i've just finished a two-part special on a scale that i'm not exactly comfortable with, and these past few days has just been an attempt to come to terms with the fallout.

if my life can be considered an engaging show, then clearly i should be changed by this. perhaps the main lesson is simply that life doesn't give you what you want, no matter how sure you are that you can get it. life has more curve balls stored up than i'll ever be ready for, and in the long run, there are so many fights i just can't win and hence shouldn't bother to fight. there are severe limitations to my person and i have to learn to accept that.

the episode also questions the validity of the comfort zone as a concept and whether or not it is a good or a bad thing. i have had to retreat into it so frequently in the past few months, while at the same time remembering the admonishments that have always come from staying in it. if anything, it told me that staying still requires almost as much effort as moving anywhere else, and sometimes the best thing is to run, while other times staying still will bring good things as well.

and let's not forget the value of failure as a source of future strength and a well of inspiration. taking comfort in the little things and the important people strewn across a landscape that might be looking less than beautiful. the good things in life we can take comfort in will always be there if we choose to see them, and i suppose at the end of the day, we all walk on with what we can gather.

there will be a few moments in the last few months that will make the highlight reel of my life: the lingering moments after i had given what i thought would be an important gift and the (falsely) hopeful walk home, a tipsy outburst of confessions in the dinghy pub, one decidedly crazy and excessively drunk night in a club, poster tube battles followed by more mature conversation, two glorious nights where most things came together, a party with a happy ending, and new hope in a new direction.

oh the chicago winter can be so dramatic, and till the very last day it refused to relent. the snow is gone i hope, and we've had two good days of weather. spring is here. time for another round.