i don't want it inbetween; i will keep my feelings clean

i resolve not to feel taken advantage of. i think i'm at a point where i feel very lost about human relations, and it's so hard to feel as if there are people who actually want to be my friend. one, because i'm quite a horrible person. two, because friendship just doesn't seem to be my thing.

i was reading a wikipedia article which tries to explain why humans tend to spot patterns when none exists. the genetic, evolutionary basis is that ancestors who are able to spot predators such as tigers had a better chance of passing on their genes. now the issue of course is that you can't tell for sure whether you've seen a tiger in the jungle. if you are really sensitive, you'll be able to spot the tigers for sure, but chances are you'll also have a bunch of false alarms. you waste effort getting away from non-tigers, but on the whole, you have a good of surviving. on the other hand, if you tend to dismiss sightings as fakes, chances are, one day you will dismiss a real tiger for a fake one, and then you get eaten, which causes your genetic line to get cut off.

that's a pretty strange way to say this, but i think i prefer to survive. i had already recently dismissed a tiger for a fake, and i don't think i can take another mauling. i'm not roy horn. the loneliness does get so hard to bear sometimes though.