分开的天空个自染出彩色

i am distant, far away from anywhere i feel like i should be comfortable with. but i am. and right now i am thinking as if there is someway i can express what it feels like mathematically, but i know that's just the analysis talking. for the sparse few who still read this, analysis is the branch of mathematics concerned with set theory, limits and continuity, and is also giving me quite a headtrip. so many things are taking up room in my head right now, and it's driving out thoughts of everything else.

i am sorry my friends. because i have decided to take a path that led me away from so many of you and cause the road we could have walked together deviate. i just read your blogs (liu, kc and han), and i feel so miserable that i can't be living all of this. part of me can't imagine the idea of being seperated from everyone i cared so much about by this huge ocean and half of america, even though that's exactly what it is. sometimes i hate myself for having gotten used to being away so quickly, like it just proves how little anything means to me.

i think with enough distractions, life, no matter how it is, becomes bearable. i hope that's the case, because what i have now is obviously temporary and i don't want to get used to it. do i like my life now? probably much better than anything else in recent memory. but should i get used to it? i don't know. i doubt.

i lost my point somewhere. the point was that i wished i could be home and still be here at the same time. the impossible. that's what we all chase. i fear that when i do go home in summer, i would have changed and so would have everyone else. and then what do i get left with? an existence in a strange land that i will soon have to leave behind, and a home that would have become by then unfamiliar.

our choices take us where they wish. we only have that much control over our lives. i believe that we all seek to maximise our choices, to make sure that whatever path we take would be one of our choosing. but honestly, does free will even exist? in so many ways i've walked down the one same road the entire time, and somewhere along the line, i got cut off from things i didn't know i could ever lose.

what have i gained? a reprieve from something that was fast becoming painful. an opportunity of a lifetime. someone new to love. what does it all sum to in the end? does it make up for what i have lost?

life cannot be a mathematical problem, because if it was, we would have solved it by now.