there are roads left in both of our shoes

i am thoroughly tired of what i'm doing now. going to class is fast becoming meaningless, in a somewhat entertaining, yet droning way. none of my extracurricular activities seem to interest me very much anymore, as if they have become just another chore in an endless list of things that seem to need doing. and rehearsal is becoming painful; everytime i go for one, i feel as if i am hitting my head against some wall.

so basically, i'm at that point of my cycles where i feel very lost, like i don't really know what's going on. there is this emptiness pervading everything i do, as if i am merely heading towards some goal that i don't even care about anymore. in the long-run there are so many things i want and that i look forward to. but why then do i have to be stuck in this horrible mire that i can't seem to leave behind?

sometimes i wish people cared about me more, and thought i was more important. because people don't. people take me for a joke most of the time. i'm not crying out for recognition, i'm just sick of being pushed around. the guy you come to when you need something, when there is no one else. maybe it's my own fault. i'm not really a person am i? i just happen to be here. i feel so much like my beauty world character sometimes, as if i'm only here so other people can step on me and move on.

there is no remembering anything we do in life is there? nothing. does anything even have a significance then? can we say that what we do today has an impact on the future? or even tomorrow? who knows? all i know is that i feel extremely lonely, because i am here and there is no one else with me who really knows who i am, or who even cares. and as much as i am surrounded by all this noise and activity, in my own head is the loneliest place on earth.

i am counting down the days till march 17th, when i will finally get some kind of respite. i'm glad there's someone counting down with me.