summer has come and passed; the innocent can never last

it's that time again. when you can count the hours till you leave. when you can see the hour-by-hour weather of your destination at the time you are slated to arrive (18 degrees celsius and sunny, which is as good as you get for chicago in september). after you have said whatever goodbyes you were supposed to say. when you are almost all packed, and not quite ready to go.

it's a pretty terrible feeling, this apprehension. somehow, 4th year feels all wrong. it's not supposed to be this quick. perhaps in someway i haven't quite caught up with how fast time has decided to take me. shall i look back at all of this one day and say: i wish i had done it all differently? it's that point in any process where you are too far gone to change your course, and just about to see the many ways you could regret what you've done.

resolutions might be in order? but nothing quite so optimistic as when i last made any:

i resolve to go to the gym regularly. that is, i resolve to actually go thrice a week, rather than just trying to.

i resolve to cook as many of my own meals as i can, because i'm a much healthier cook than any restaurant, and more importantly, much cheaper.

i resolve to be diligent. i will regain the zeal for my studies that i had first year, and aim for results that i know i can achieve, rather than merely those i will be content with.

that's really all i can hope for. and perhaps a few ardent wishes:

i wish that whatever i end up doing about it, i'll start being able to cope with myself.

i wish that the unhappiness of the past year would start to fade away.

i wish i wouldn't feel so helpless, knowing that at the end of the day i'm not.

i wish i would feel less lonely, because i know i don't have to.