i feel a bout of writing coming up in the next few days. not because i can afford the time. far from it. i've just been having some strange thoughts, and strange thoughts get accompanied by an attempt to rationalize them.
to start: was watching a very horrible movie last night simply to get it out of the way and move my netflix queue along. i shan't even name it because it's humiliating. yet somehow, embedded amidst the badly chosen film stock and the incomprehensible plot was a conclusion drawn by the protagonist: sometimes, the reason we don't try is because we don't want to fail. and we don't want to fail cos we just don't want to know that we are not good enough.
it's a commonly expressed opinion no doubt. but there was something appropriate about listening to that within the context of my thoughts at that moment. how do you proceed when you have realized that in some ways, you are simply not good enough to get what you want? that you are undeserving. that you should aim lower, and ask for less.
but here i am, like one of those anonymous people on the PGA tour who will never be mentioned in the same breath as tiger woods. i've gotten close, but i'm never going to make it. why stay? contractual obligations perhaps?
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