and as life rolls back onto track, albeit one i never really expected to be on, i find myself wondering where the next station is going to be. somehow, someway, i've made it back to a point where i'm in control. yet, there is just an awful sense that control is overrated, that control is nothing when you are still bound by limitations pointing you towards a small set of fixed outcomes. what if i don't want any of these outcomes? what if i haven't a clue what i want, and i'm just biding my time? staying still, as i had thoroughly established, is not easy.
there are still a bunch of things i wish would just happen: i want to regain certainty in myself and my own ability to tell what is right and wrong. i want to feel like i am a person of worth, that i matter in a way which is rational. i want to make new friends, and replace a few who are only causing me to feel unhappy. as usual, i need more resolve.
fortunately, recent happenings have made it easier for me to take things one step at a time, which is the way i prefer to do things. big decisions could be put off for a while. it's spring after all.
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