when i was young things didn't last

my earliest memory is of me chasing 'invisible' spirits by pointing at random corners while my mom carried me in her arms. i must have been 3. my name was given to me by the monkey god. my father was a spirit medium and i believe him. what a strange wondrous beginning. all my life i had oscillate between being entire self-assured and entirely helpless. right now there is a balance that only an appropriate amount of alcohol can bring about.

i became cynical much sooner than most. i must have been 8. it was a simple gesture of betrayal by a boy who i assumed would be my friend for life. i don't even remember his name. i am thankful for his thoughtless decision, because it changed my life in a way that i can hardly begin to explain. how ridiculous that is.

the next firm memory is about how i acquired my wit. i was an amusing 11 year old, and i hope i am funny even now. it's all about saying the right thing at the right time.

then to raffles institution, to the disappointment of my mother who preferred a different school famous for its socialist tendencies. it should go down in history as one of the best choices ever made by a 12 year old. we laughed, we cried, we sweated and i'm pretty sure we bled. the best years of my life no doubt.

16/17/18 were trying years. my last 2 years of formal schooling in singapore was a constant struggle to cope. so many things, so little time. perhaps the worst years of my life.

18 was also army. BMT where i should have been a little more garang. i did get to, for at least once in my life, be involved in the singapore istana change of guard parade. things like these are almost surreal. i invited someone to come come watch but she never did. now i don't mind.

then college. so far away from home. a whirlwind of fresh things. so many unknowns that an 18 year old cannot possibly expect to manage. but manage i did. somehow.

and here i am. looking out at lake michigan from my room that's almost 10000 miles away from home and feeling uneasy about the definition of 'home' itself. it has been 21 years of highs and lows. of irrationality tempered by fear. of days where i had to just suck it up. of days i never wanted to end. days of loss. days of utter and total defeat. strength. weakness. happiness. sorrow. it has been a rich life so far.

as the remaining alcohol swishes in my stomach, i am yet again content. what a place to be in, to be young and on the threshold of greater things. i am proud of myself. thank you for the cake and the booze. i never thought johnnie blue would come this early in my life. here it is everything. the first quarter is done. here's to another 21 years at least. the great adventure that is life has so much more to offer, and i see that clearly now.