城东的老槐时常听见凄凉

so being alone at home has caused me to be pensive. no surprises there. got back to chicago 2 days ago and kept busy just doing various things that need to be done. and now that the fridge is stocked, laundry is done and bathroom cleaning supplies purchased (and inspiring some guilt for my sloth), there is not that much that needs to be done. i need a new pair of jeans and i feel like i should go see a movie. there being no one around for me to do anything with is somewhat worse than i expected.

been kicking around with the idea of closeness again. i think i enjoy the anonymity of the city especially here. when i am walking around in downtown chicago, and going about doing what i set out to do, people don't question who i am. they don't question my place here, nor do they impose anything on me. when i'm walking around in the city, i don't have to justify myself. for some reason, in front of my friends, i always feel as if i have to. again the understanding of why singaporeans tend to rely so much on each other overseas: it's the feeling of being outsiders which is so difficult to overcome, even after the closest friendships have been forged. who am i other than some kind of stereotype? how can i be actually let anyone know who i am, much less what i feel?

my mind's a mess. at least today i didn't waste 2 hours on a unnecessary nap and in the process mess up my sleep cycle. i feel like i should be busy with something, but having done what i've set out to do today, and having put the chicken into the oven for another dinner for one, i feel as if i should just shutdown. i am amazed by how i've descended into this horrendous malaise so quickly after what was supposed to be a revitalizing period away. urgh. i feel so trapped here, both literally in this empty apartment and figuratively in my own head. to be free! what would that take?

let's just chalk this up to the same feeling i always get around this time. this odd lull between christmas, a holiday i don't celebrate/understand, and new year's day, which i dread. am i afraid of 2008? just last night i managed to convince myself how this year (counting from my birthday) might be the best year of my life. oh i try to do that all the time, but it never works does it? the worst part of course is that you only really manage to look back after it's over, and then it's either regret or longing, neither of which are my favorites. and now i just want it to snow, so at least it looks appropriate.

i realize why of all drinks, i like scotch. scotch isn't a happy drink. it's not colorful; it's not sickeningly sweet. i don't think alcohol is meant to make you happy at all. fortunately i've got plenty.