a little piece of heavenly that no one else could stand

i realise that i am a misanthrope. i can't stand to see other people being happy. seriously. whenever i see the joy of someone else, i feel an incredible sense of something that is in between jealousy and malice, like i both want to have what that person has and then kill that person for having it. quite a drastic reaction i know.

and i suppose much of it has something to do with an inordinate belief in my own "goodness". i say "goodness" not in the sense of moral-correctness, or anything of that kind. it has something to do with my belief in my own qualities as a person, that somehow i believe that i am entitled to so many things but somehow am not getting them. that deep down i have a very self-righteous attitude and judge myself to be "better" than so many of the people around me who are somehow still having a better time in life than i am.

somehow i often feel as if i'm surrounded by utterly terrible people who deserve none of what they have, if only people became more aware. people who don't deserve the love and tolerance afforded to them. people who don't deserve the acclaim and laurels heaped onto them. people who are nowhere as good as others believe. somehow, i feel as if i am a much better person than so many others around me who have so much more.

this post is obviously not winning me any friends. on the other hand, almost everyone who reads this that i am aware of (meaning people who tag and who have made explicit mention of reading this) i see as either an equal or better. oddly enough, these people don't seem to be having a better time either.

there is two logical conclusions that are mutually exclusive. first: somehow, people who are "better" also have to suffer. which is the cause and which is the consequence is a separate discussion. second: i am entirely wrong and i am indeed scum of the earth and deserve nothing. somehow, neither conclusion is satisfying and therefore this has turned into a very depressing post indeed. i would trade so much just to be happy right now. i really would. and honestly, i haven't really felt this way for such a long time. where did all my optimism go?

what do i really want though? maybe all i do need is someone who understands me, and who can tell me that everything is alright without expecting that to make me happier, but to make me feel just a little less lonely.