i cursed myself for being surprised that this didn't play like it did in my mind

(note: title comes from death cab's 'bixby canyon bridge', which refers to a bridge that we actually drove across this winter break)

as i was sitting in my car today, i realized just how much some people must need that kind of solitude. we live in a very public world these days. i'm fortunate to have roommates who are very mindful of privacy, and rarely do i feel that i lack personal space. but what about your family man? at home he's constantly surrounded by people who demand his attention, and at work he might be under constant scrutiny. where else but the car can he truly find some private moments for himself? to sing along to the radio with abandon. to be at ease with his thoughts. it's no wonder carpooling isn't particularly popular.

also, as i got home, i started to think about what i would tell someone if i was asked to summarize the most important lesson in my life so far. i think my response would go something like this: we never get everything we want in life, but that shouldn't stop us from wanting everything. as long as you're ready to suffer the pain of disappointment, you will be set for life. hope is at once our greatest blessing and our greatest curse. 

in some ways i've become cynical again, in a way that i had forgotten for a while. but i think it's the right kind of cynicism this time around, the kind that isn't necessarily judgemental, but self-preserving. the kind of cynism, that when married with hope, tends to keep you out of excessive emotional trouble. at least that's what i hope. 

and one last thing: tough choices have the unfortunate tendency to get tougher the more you hold off on making them. after tonight, i feel like i might never be ready. but i suppose, despite the impairment of judgement, i made a commitment. perhaps i'm being warned about how silly that might have been. 

well an even laster thing: i once wrote here that if life could be reduced to a mathematical problem, it would have been solved already. that is clearly a terrible argument. life could probably be reduced to something close to a math problem, but it'll probably be something as difficult as fermat's last theorem, and would likewise have a solution that somewhat misses the point - it's much too complicated.