i go through these bouts where i realise that i have no friends around me at all. notice i say realise, because i honestly believe that it is true. i have no friends around me at this moment, just people who take advantage of me repeatedly. and i allow them to cos at points it makes me feel as if people give a shit that i exist. which they don't. not the people who i am around anyways. sometimes i fool myself into thinking that i am happy here, when in fact i am miserable. it is odd that the people who come closest to being my friends here are people i hardly talk to. these people don't judge, nor do they feel they can ask me for things. i can be myself with these people, because i don't really care how they see me. it's such a negative way of approaching things, but it's also absolutely true. i give up on this entirely. sometimes i feel as if i should just be alone all the time, because that's just how i am supposed to be. no one likes me unless they can get something out of me, and in those cases i'm barely tolerated.
argh. i know the above probably isn't entire true, and i hope it isn't. i just wish people would stop pretending they give a shit, so i can stop pretending they do. i also want to go home, where there are people i can actually trust.
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