so as usual, the elation of the week seems to crash down on the weekends. it's odd, because i must be one of very few people who get more depressed on the weekends than i do during the week. maybe because during the week i just get by, doing stuff and just trying to survive, but on the weekends, i actually end up with time to breathe and think, which usually gets me down.
it's just a creeping sense of loneliness which seems to afflict me. i feel stuck between 2 horrible situations now: either go to places where i am surrounded by people but feel out of place, or stay at home and feel lonely. gah. such a dilemma. ultimately, because staying at home doesn't involve having to put on nicer clothes and walking in the cold, i suppose that's what i shall do.
as an addendum: i was suddenly struck with a huge sense of inadequacy mixed in with a large amount of guilt. it's that whole: "i don't deserve this" vs "i deserve better" impulses again. sometimes i wished i would just figure out which one is right and stick to just feeling that. at least it'll be less confusing. also, i need to stop pretending to be who i really am not.
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