start

well... so i'm back to this old habit. okay, it's not exactly a habit. and i have no idea why i'm doing this. maybe cos for some reason, i think i need to write things down again. honestly in army you don't have the time, or the energy, or you feel like you plain don't have to. in the past 6 months, i've let everything i've learnt slip out of my head and with PSC, chicago and the rest of my life looming large, i have about 3 months to catch up before i'm off on what could be the greatest adventure of my life. so here i am, and here i've decided to make a little start....

i'm in an enviable position. i'm reminded of that everyday. and i have no doubt at all that things could not have turned out much better than it did. i guess on some level, i always knew this was the way to go. complaining about how bad our government is is something of a national pasttime, and people in RJ seem to do it with greater gusto than most. i am, on the other hand, quite proud to say that i support our government, and not because i'm afraid that the all powerful PAP will condemn me. i think a lot of people take what we have for granted, cos either they come from such privileged backgrounds that things don't quite matter to them, or because good governance is perhaps intangible to most. some people say that meritocracy in singapore is just a warped way of keeping the elite in power, but i can't help but feel that i am evidence to the contrary.

and that's what i keep telling scholarship interviewers when they ask why i've chosen to work in the public sector. i feel honestly that i have a lot to give back. my family isn't well off. my father is 58, a carpenter who dropped out from primary school. my mother is 52 and works at a shop selling soybean milk earning 4 dollars an hour. we have none of the five Cs. my dad rides a 150 cc honda motorcycle. i live in a 3 room flat. the only time i've been in a country club my friend's dad drove me in. and there isn't a single credit card in the family cos even combined, my parents' salaries have never met the minimum 30000 dollars a year. there is enough cash, but sometimes only just. we still owe about 100000 dollars to the bank for the flat i'm living in, cos my dad sold our old flat so he wouldn't go bankrupt from a failed business venture. that's my life now. sometimes i feel ashamed of everything my parents have given me, which is a lot, but lately, i've taken to telling them that everything will be alright, because somehow i know it will be. and it's only because of everything the government has given me, all the opportunities and right now the huge sum they are about to spend on me, that i am sure i have a future.

my mom told me a few months ago that she'd rather i not leave the country for studies, cos she is worried for my safety. and for a brief moment, i almost decided not to. but in the end, i realised that it is something i have to do. it's probably this huge sense of duty that i've been carrying, perhaps ever since i was transfered from my first primary school to nanyang, that i want to fulfil. the duty to the government, to my parents and maybe even to myself.

if i wanted to be entirely irresponsible, i would just abandon this entire scholarship and overseas studies idea. if i had my way, i want to make films and write a regular column for the papers, publish a book by the time i'm 30 and hold my own photography exhibition by the time i'm 35. but i know that in this country or perhaps any country, such dreams are hardly the stuff of reality. what i've chosen is not even remotely close to what i really want to do, but that's alright, cos lifee is really about doing what is right, not what is convenient or enjoyable.

but am i happy? i don't know. i've never really known for sure. i know what i'm giving up to take this path i've chosen, and that makes me sad. the big "what-ifs" of life starts now, and it's never going to end. and a huge part of me envies those who can afford to chase their dreams knowing that if they do fall, it's always possible to try again. but i don't have that luxury. my father will be 62 by the time i return from my studies. i'm supposed to be the one supporting him.

forgive me if i sound angsty, because i guess i am. i shouldn't be, but discontent is human nature.