having the space to know the way it's coming down

i've always meant for this blog to accompany me throughout my college years, and now that that is drawing to a close, this blog has also run its course. it hasn't been a coherent narrative over the past few years, but in the end, i suppose it has been an accurate a reflection of what was going on in my head as i could have made it. there's a part of me who feels like i need to start collecting my thoughts, to start summarizing, or at least to try and make things make sense.

last night i was struck by the overwhelming thought that everything we choose to have we must also be ready to lose. this is something i must have always known, but never quite experienced so acutely. choosing to come here meant choosing to one day have to leave, and the latter has become so difficult. i've chosen to have a life here, which means in the end, i must be willing to put it behind.

it's the same with people to. every friend i've made in the past 4 years was made knowing that after these years, i might never see them again. perhaps a part of me never quite imagined that i would find that so painful. part of me thought that i could simply just let them go. after all, i've done the same with a lot of people before. but somehow, it all just feels different.

it should have gotten easier. in the course of a discussion with a friend, we came to an agreement that being an adult meant that we weren't suppose to be as badly stung by emotional things. we're supposed to be better at dealing with them. if that were true, then what is it that i'm feeling. perhaps it's precise this transition, this fear that after this, everything else will somehow become less profound and more literal. losing the emotional attachment we have made in our youth somehow pushes us more rapidly into adulthood, and that is an unpleasant thought.

part of me wants to simply fall off the face of the earth though, resurfacing only when all the adjustment has been completed. does it not seem so much easier if i could simply be away from everything for awhile, and figure out how to cope with being a different person?