i just do as i am told

i think the human animal is amazing in its complexity of emotions. what am i actually feeling right now? so so hard to say.

it's been a very tiring weekend that left me feeling a little old. but the static-ness of everything in singapore distorts that feeling of time to create a certain disjoint. there is a clear feeling that i'm not supposed to be where i am now, that i have moved into a position that doesn't quite agree with the movement of others.

as usual i indulge myself with vagaries to protect something that isn't under attack. time is passing quite quickly this break. as the days of being at work meld into a single moment, there is a certain contradiction in wanting the break to be at an end and a need to feel relaxed. a certain tension is being made increasingly more apparently to me as my time in singapore ticks to its eventual close. what is there to look forward to?

since starting this post and abandoning it last night, something more interesting happened. so i'm not in the office today cos i finally felt sick enough to justify not going to work. in order to legitimize that feeling, i had to get an MC. merrily (i mean that in a figurative way - my sinuses were stuffed and i had an irritating headache), i trotted downstairs to the clinic to see the doctor who i've seen since i was 10.

of course, the last time i actually went and saw a proper doctor (military doctors don't count) was like 4 years or so ago. the nurse at the clinic (one of them) was as nasty as i remember. but now they take your temperature before you even go into the consultation room, probably for fear that you have dengue (as a sidenote, my area was a dengue hotspot not too long ago).

luckily, 11 am is not prime time for doctors. so i went in straight after they found my records (from 4 years ago) and the doctor looked exactly the same as before. he's not one of those friendly doctors who gives candy to children to go with their medicine. in fact, his desk looks positively intimidating. i've always gotten the same vibe from him, though i suppose i can only articulate it now. it's this feeling of condescension, that he, a high and mighty member of the medically-trained class, has to come to my shitty neighborhood to treat these low income people living in aging 3 room flats. okay i exaggerate a little. it wasn't as bad today. maybe he just hates kids.

which brings me to my point. just before he prescribed medication, the doctor flipped over the medical record card to this area which has remained conspicuously blank over the years. i have no drug allergies (that i know of) so i suspect that's where they would write it. in additional, other personal information would be written there. and looking at the area, the doctor asked me whether i smoked, and i replied in the negative. then has asked me whether i drank alcohol and i had to say "a little". in my mind obviously, i was wondering: "wait, this is new. he never used to ask me that." it took me all of 5 seconds to realise why that would be the case. he then proceeded to write me an MC (at my request), cancelling out the word school instead of work like he had done in the past.

suddenly, i felt so much older.

okay, the previous anecdote is entirely incongruous with what came above. but obliquely, i suppose it's all part of the same experience. this feeling that everything is the same, except it really really isn't.